Doggy style, in The Village style.

” ” Hubby and I have been married for a while (Not only a while, actually. An age. Long enough to share our home with 3 teenagers a cat and a dog.)
And how is our sex life, I hear you ask? It used to be fantastic, thanks. It really did. (No sensible woman would conceive, carry and push out, 3 children within 4 years of each other, if there wasn’t some hot incentive, would she? I wasn’t mad. We just liked having sex.) On a good day, these days, we still quite like having sex – but now we have a problem:
We share our bed with a dog. And a cat.
I KNOW. Sharing your bed with a cat and an unhygienic flea transporter, who has been known to roll in poo, who licks his own bum (because he can) and who farts and snores, is truly disgusting. I mean. Civilised people, like us, are supposed to look down our noses at peasants in the middle ages, because they kept their livestock in their hovels. Well, Hubby and I somehow have landed up sleeping with our brak dog and cat, IN our bed. In winter they might even burrow under the duvet. Its not clean or civilized. No self-respecting serf would allow that.
But it’s even more disgusting than that:
Think about what happens when you and Hubby need to get jiggy.
He says the dog is the only person in the house who is happy to see him when he comes home, He thinks its cute that the dog sleeps on our bed at night. He LOVES his dog.
Having the dog in the room though, when we attempt to have sex? He says he doesn’t care, he’s just so grateful that he might get lucky. To me? A dog watching me have sex is a whole other level of pervy, not sexy and gross.
And as in most things, dogs are worse than cats. ( You can tell I am the cat person and Hubby is the dog person in this relationship.)
At least you can chuck a cat off the bed. Our cat, if he gets thrown off the bed, just jumps up onto the dressing table and stares at us in that offended, “You are disgusting human, what are you doing? Why is your leg up there, why are you crying like me when I haven’t been fed and why is the man human’s bum doing up in the air?” But being a cat, he thinks our antics are not really worth his time or attention long term. He’s not really interested. What a good boy.
The dog, though, is very interested. The dog cries and barks and scratches the door, if, he’s chucked out the room.( Chucking the dog out of the room and checking to see that the children aren’t awake, is what passes as foreplay in our house.)
Any sex between Hubby and Me at all, is way too much for the dog to comprehend. The Dog’s vibe: “Why are you doing THAT to my mommy?! That’s not allowed!” But he’s also enthusiastic. (He’s stupid. He’s a dog.) He thinks sex is a spectator sport and likes to bark encouragement to his great love (Hubby) as things heat up. He pants and snuffles in a most disgusting way as he concentrates on figuring out exactly what is going on. His head will be … … cocked (sorry,) his gaze unblinking.
His “cute” Ears Pricked Face (sorry again) is not so adorable, when it’s all I see peering over Hubby’s shoulders, when I’m supposed to be being transported to middle aged married romantic ecstasy. As if it wasn’t hard enough to think romantic thoughts about the man who brought his stinky snuffly dog into the bedroom, anyway!
That Dog is fascinated by us shagging. Our dog likes to watch. ( I suppose that is where the British term for sex in public – “dogging,” comes from?)
Once, we actually tried sex doggy-style, with the dog in the room. I flipped myself over with huge enthusiasm, only to find myself nose to nose, with HIM.
An actual dog!
So I know there are lots of very weird categories on Porn Hub, but I’m conventional. I like my marital sex, Vanilla. I do not want some perverted dog peeping Tom thing in my bedroom.
You try putting in a husband-pleasing performance under those conditions.
Hubby says we have to call in a dog trainer. I am too embarrassed. Imagine the conversation! I say the Dog needs to be thrown out into the garden on the days ( or nights) in the month with an “x” in their name. Hubby says winter is coming.And “Poor Doggo.” If things don’t change, I’m going to throw all three of them out into the garden. Then I can catch up with a nice George Clooney romcom. Ah. That would would be nice. And peaceful. “

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