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“I’m thinking scandalous thoughts about a friend, post my divorce. Am I ready? Help!”



Q: ” How do I go from being a wife for almost 2 decades to being a girlfriend?
For the last 23yrs I have been with the same man… 
I find myself thinking like a wife, knowing I can’t, but I don’t know how to change that. I haven’t dated in 23yrs, so dating, new men … it’s all new and scary. I am so unprepared! I do plan on seeing someone to help me with that. Maybe you can also suggest what type of person I do go and see….psychologist or someone else?

Just for the record, I don’t have a boyfriend (I don’t feel ready,)) but I have had guys interested. Currently there is someone I’ve known for a while who makes me think scandalous thoughts, even though he is just part of my circle .”

A: ” Enjoy your scandalous thoughts! Someone said something to me in the early stages of venturing out after my divorce…. “you’re not in high school anymore. Go out. Have fun. Be safe. Figure out who you are!”. It was such a powerful message for me.”

” Everything you want is on the other side of fear.”

” Shirley Valentine appeals on occasion. Or Eat Pray Love when it all gets too much. You dont need to see anyone… to help with being scared to venture. Thats so bloody normal. Maybe that fear adds to the scandelous and excitement? So maybe just see the someone you are scandelizing over. Just remember those days of yore. Pre wife. Pre responsibility. Aka young wild free. What is there to lose. Have fun. Life is short. Just be happy.”

It’s like riding a bicycle …. don’t overthink it!” 

” It’s a strange moment when we realise we are free to explore parts of ourselves that are equally worthy and needing of attention as others. All I say is enjoy it. Explore your self. Embrace your self. You are first and foremost, woman. Not mom or wife anymore. Woman. Celebrate that. Embrace it. and have some fun along the way.”

” We often loose a sense of “ourselves “ when being with one person for so long. Build yourself up, spoil yourself a bit & get out there, you’ll be surprised at how you will be able to lead yourself to a new you!”

” Go for it. Dont overthink, follow your gut and heart but keep your brain on the side. It took me 5 years post divorce to even consider another relationship. It is scary and intimidating but an exciting time as well. It’s like life’s given you a “reset to factory settings” opportunity. It takes a while to to shift your mind out of the wife/mommy mode but when you do, you realise that some of the anxiety you feel is actually excitement at the possibilities.”

” My advice is to celebrate being you. And the exciting opportunities that unlocks. It’s a cliché, but being happy in yourself will attract much joy and content to your life. Allow yourself to embrace life. I was in your position some years back. Sat next to a lovely guy on a plane. And now we have been married for 7 happy years.”

” Dating after a divorce can be extremely liberating. You have a better idea of what you don’t want and a lot of that awkwardness of youth is gone.”

” First step is to visit gynae and discuss contraception. And learn about condoms. STDS on the rise in our age group.”

” WHOOOOOHOOOOO!!! lekker jy, vir scandalous thoughts. ENJOYYYYYY and go be happy! You deserve it. I don’t know you but am excited for you. P.s. In my opinion, I don’t think you need therapy for this.”

” Hooray for you. It’s going to get better and better. Give yourself time and love!”

” What I think being a girlfriend is, this is your chance to be a little selfish. Not mean or terrible. But see him if and when you want, on your terms. You don’t need to “look after him” you look after yourself and have fun with him. You go for dinner and movies and long walks. You don’t need to cook for him (unless you want) clean his place, shop for him remind him of his mom’s birthday… have fun!”

” Before every date write a list of what you want for your future man to be:

– he is taller than me
– he is available
– he is ready for a great relationship
– he has a job he enjoys and pays enough for him to live well
– he likes rugby
– he is kind to animals
– any detail you want (but lots of details)

Then be proactive and ask him out! Go up to him and say, “ I have just bought a fabulous pair of shoes! I need to wear them somewhere nice. When can we go somewhere together?”

Repeat as many times to as many men as you need until you get a date… better with friends.

On the date, be happy and so excited to be wearing your new shoes and say, “This is going to be the best night ever!”

Have fun! Listen to him like he is a long lost friend you have not seen in ages. Ask him lots of non intrusive questions (not interview style, just in the general conversation) like:
– what was you best memory of the last 10 years?
– what place have you always wanted to visit?
– if you could have taken a different path in life what would it be?

Enjoy being with him, even if he is an arse, enjoy the time out, practice having fun!

Come home and read your list! If he checks out go on a second date!
If not “NEXT!!?”

Before all of the above!
Make sure you like you first! Be grateful for all you are!

Thank you, body of mine, for holding my beautiful spirit! Thank you, hands, that can touch and connect with another beautiful person! Thank you, feet…”

“You are a woman, before you were ever a wife. Don’t forget that. Start off exploring and loving every part of who you are. The fact that you are having thoughts of desire and passion will get the juices flowing. This is an absolutely fantastic feeling and makes you feel alive. You have a 2nd chance, overcoming the fear is a part of the journey. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. Breath and enjoy the ride.”

” Just a piece of Important advice : follow your heart, but please don’t leave your brain behind… We are all vulnerable and there are a lot of assholes out there. Let’s look out for each other.”

” If you’re thinking scandalous thoughts you don’t need a therapist, trust your gut instinct, keep that close, embrace good healthy energy, sometimes things can be over analyzed..lists to top lists when at the end of the day love is love is love, no reason, no rhyme.. Just magic!”

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