“ Dear Village. I am too embarrassed to admit this to anyone, even my female friends, but I have completely gone off sex. I genuinely believe that if I never had it again I’d be releived. I have two teenagers, and have been married for 15 years and I do really love my husband. But I have lost my sex drive entirely. I have found myself making excuses more and more often. I’m worried because my husband has stopped asking. I’m only in my early 40s and I am sure that it is not healthy to be like this for the rest of my life. Or his.
Has anyone got any ideas? We did try and go away for a “sexy” weekend a while ago, but I just felt like I “had to” and that didn’t re-ignite anything in me. We do have a lot in common and are as happy as anyone else to together, but this is coming between us. I don’t want to be abnormal, but I feel as if I am.”
“Maybe book an appointment with an endocrinologist- often a low libido is hormone based and they can give you a supplement? I know when I got my hormones sorted out there was def an improvement. Also are you on anti depressants? They affect it a lot. Sending strength! I think very few people actually feel like it all the time to be honest. I know I would mostly much rather have a good night’s sleep.”
“Have your Testosterone levels checked as soon as possible. You are more than likely in the early stages of perimenopause, estrogen normally stays at a higher peak than your other reproductive hormones. As you enter menopause, average age 51, estrogen declines rapidly. Having said this, if estrogen is higher than your Progesterone, and testosterone, you’ll have what they call estrogen dominance, that too can dampen your sexual desire greatly. Remember we do have smaller quantities of Testosterone than men, yet it’s responsible for many functions within our body. Mood, muscular strength, libido abs a host of other functions. Also check if your adrenals are not fatigued, as that too can present with a myriad of hormonal turmoils..”
“ The bio-identical hormones will change your life ladies. Not just sexual desire but all those other critical things that our hormones govern. Now if he’s just not that good in bed and you’ve been enduring it for all these years because you love him that’s a different topic entirely. Still hope though.”
“You are not alone. At one point, I told my husband that my libido is finito. He understood and I tried other sexual things in the bedroom instead of the usual humdrum. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. But, be honest with your husband…. Or he might think you’re having a fling with someone else. Men can’t read minds. They need things spelled out in black and white.
Ask your Dr for some supplements and buy some lube to assist you.”
“You could try porn. You’d be surprised how many straight normal women are into it. And it could be something “naughty” for you and he to try together. There are plenty of classier sites … you don’t have to expose yourself to the gross stuff.”
“It may be that you are lacking in testosterone – it happens, unfortunately, when we get to a certain age and is a lot more common than you think. I would find a Dr or Gynae that specializes in pre-menopause and have all your hormone levels checked.”
“It could be that there are things in your relationship that are not being addressed? Sometimes sex is the first thing to “go.” Even before we have realised there’s a problem. Do you feel taken for granted? Are you perhaps a bit bored with each other? Do you suppress anger towards each other? Perhaps a few honest sessions with a therapist could be helpful.”
“You are so not alone. I have many friends and this comes up a lot and there are def ebbs and flows with all of them. On a non-medical, practical side, maybe some sexy books that can remind you that it’s actually supposed to be fun. Sending suggestive text messages to your husband and having a bit of “phone for-play” could also get you at least thinking about it. Also try just touching him more, totally non sexually, like holding hands and kissing him hello and goodbye and just squeezing his arm if you walk past him. Just a couple of ideas!”
“Try the Lady Prelox supplement by La Melle – all natural supplement that supports your libido and has good results – available at Desir.co.za or some good spas should have if they stock the la Melle range.”
“The problem is if you don’t use it you lose it. 99.9% of the time even if you don’t feel like it and you go for it anyway you love it. So start there. Start saying yes. It all starts in the head. The body follows x”
“I have seen a brilliant holistic doctor (3phd’s) in CT, who did a DNA analysis of my hair- hormones and amino acids in chaos..! Well worth examining- he also gave me a list of suggested foods to consume and those to avoid (basically everything I was eating !) 3 weeks later- energy levels and libido restored!.”
“I work as a touch and intimacy coach (Embodied Intimacy – I call it)
What I do is to help people to switch their sexual pleasure and experience away from being genitally focussed and orgasm oriented, and to connect my clients with the pleasure of touch and the possibility of feeling more.
In my experience as a woman, I’ve had partners who touch me in ways that just don’t turn me on, or that are too quick to go for the “hot spots” and then they touch even those hot spots, in ways that kill whatever slight arousal I might have been feeling. I’ve always tried hard to make my body come online, but the effort is not very enjoyable, and it got more and more difficult to make my body respond through force of will, or through using fantasy or whatever.
And yet, occasionally I would have an encounter that was less genitally focussed, and I could feel that my body was more responsive.
This has driven me to study and experiment obsessively almost, with finding the answers I wanted. I have bookshelves full of reading material and have done countless workshops and courses, looking for a better understanding. And I have it. I now work with people (men mostly) teaching what I’ve learnt. It’s the greatest thing to switch a man onto a new way of engaging intimately that is nothing like what they knew or did before. I say that to encourage you that this way is not just for women. Men love it and adapt to it easily.
It’s not only about touch. It’s about communication as well.
The most difficult challenge I now face is that I can’t teach or share it in writing. You have to practice and experience it in order to grasp how it works. Some of the communication skills only come clear when you experiment with them. I also currently live and work in England, so I’m really no use to anyone in South Africa – unless I could find a way to package what I know and believe in, to pass on more effectively. I’m working on it.
But that means that all I can say is – there is hope!! There absolutely is hope despite the hormonal changes. What I work with isn’t dependent on having a high libido or being in the mood. You can enjoy it even with no orgasm. In fact chasing an orgasm is the last thing you want to be doing.
If there’s any interest in what I’m talking about, I’ll try to write out a bit of an explanation of what I’m talking about and how to go about it. It’s based in my background in Tantra, but has very little to do with Tantra as it’s marketed and offered in all the places that I’ve been to over the years. It’s normal and down-to-earth and very accessible to anyone, although it takes time and practice to switch to it and to master it.”