You, your teenage daughter … and her sex life. An uncomfortable threesome.

 

Q ” I had a really embarrassing and awkward experience yesterday. I am a single mom of two kids. One is sixteen and one is 12. I went out for lunch with a friend, who felt ill and so I came back home earlier than I had said I would. I opened the door to our flat and heard …sex sounds coming from my oldest’s bedroom.
Now, I am a liberal enough parent, but I wasn’t / am not (?!!!!!!!!!!!!!) ready for this. I just quietly closed the door and went and sat in my car. I feel like she and I have crossed a boundary that makes me so embarrassed…and upset! Firstly, sixteen feels too young! She hasn’t ever talked to me about sex, properly, like not like she would actually have it. She’s never asked me any questions about sex and her life. I don’t really know how to cope with this. Do I tell her I heard? This boy isn’t even a serious boyfriend! Do I suddenly take her to a gynecologist? And what do I do about the way I feel? I’m just feeling so WEIRD about her. Like this can’t be my little girl. Of course her father is not involved at all I can’t talk to him. I’m scared of discussing this with my friends because, if I’m honest, I think they’ll judge me and her.
I feel like my world is spinning. And I also know I’m probably overreacting, but I really need some help. “

A: ” I know how you feel …the first time I realised my eldest was active a part of me died …the part of her being my little girl died…however I had to suck it up and sit down and discuss this all with her…as should you as there is so much at stake here …her emotional health and physical health are at stake and you are the only trustworthy person to be there and discuss this without judgement and give her sound qdvice to keep her safe …good luck.”

” Awww hun. It will be ok. 16 isn’t all THAT young (I was 15 and very curious 😅). I think you should talk to her. Don’t necessarily tell her you heard, but let her know it’s safe to discuss this kind of thing with you. Maybe she’ll share with you. Maybe she won’t. But be there for her regardless. I doubt anyone will judge.”

” I always tell my kids (all boys), that I’M not embarrassed- my hope is that by seeing that, that they’re then not embarrassed to come to me when the need arises. Maybe you don’t have to go into the details (that you heard), but rather that you know it’s happening, and you just want to make sure she’s doing things the responsible way. I do think a Pap smear and a talk on the pill and condoms is a must. She may *think* she’s very grown up, but she really still is just a child- and having the support of someone older to guide her is vital, as hard as that may be for you.”

It’s a huge emotional step for her to take. I think a conversation about what it means for all of you – what the house rules are, that she needs to talk about contraception options if she’s making these choices, you need to be safe space for her. She’s still your little girl and this is another life stage that you are going to help her understand and move through – and that’ll still be true when she’s 40 with kids!”

” Wow, I think I would feel the same way as you. Right now I think you need to put your feelings of “weirdness” away and focus on being mom.. You need to chat to her, you need to have the awkward discussion about sex and health risks and precautions. You need to step delicately and be honest no judgement on her. She needs to know you are on her side and are looking out for her best interests.”

” Talk to her as soon as possible and as openly and non-judgementally as possible, and definitely take her to a liberal gynae. And just to add that not all sex sounds are actual penetrative sex 🙈 And heed that advice about boys that age having effing big mouths and her reputation is very likely tarnished. And teach her that her body is hers to do what she wishes, but you can’t fill a void with casual sex. House rules… thanks for the reminder for when my kid is older, but I already have a no closed doors policy and I think by 16 I would have talked to my child about what is allowed in my home regarding sexual activity (none, until over 21!). I just hope your youngest wasn’t home.”

I would put her on the pill immediately. She is sexuslly active so it’s important she has no little accidents. Approach it from the sense of age and that you’d rather she be safe than sorry. Do not say you heard her having sex. That will clam her up and her embarrassment will be so unpleasant that she won’t talk to you and will avoid you at all costs. You don’t want that. What you do want is a sexually healthy young woman who is on the pill, and understands that she needs to carry around some condoms in her handbag, just in case.”

” I think talking about sex early on slowly inreasing on the detail is the way to go. Pls dont wait for your children to talk to you… as parents it is our responsibility to educate and talk to them… good luck mom… just talk to her and you can be honest anf say you not sure what to say but perhaps that you want a transparent and honest relationship with her.”

Raising daughters is tough! You can’t deny the reality of the situation though, so feelings aside, you, as mom, have to talk to her and be sure she is at the very least being safe and if not, put on contraception asap. I am also going to put my neck out there and say perhaps the 12 year old needs to chatted to soon – it is probs the appropriate time to be opening the lines of communication about such things before high school.”

” You were so kind to her to leave and think about it a bit. It is a converstion that can happen calmly and matter of factly without hysteria. Just say what you feel, what you want and what you are prepared to do. That way it comes out in such a way that there isnt a huge fight about it. She is young and wont be thinking of the consequences so bluff a bit and say its your body but i want you to think about what happened when i was at school (just throwing and example out there) where there was a lovely girl but she slept with one guy and he went and told everyone …. and this is something that cant be undone or unheard. Say you really want her to have fulfilling sexual experiences and ask if she can wait a while until she knows she is ready in her heart (trust me she is second guessing herself allllll the time)”

” Such a shocker when the blinkers are ripped off our eyes and we realise our kids are way more ahead of us than we think they are, or than we’re ready for.
My advice is to give yourself a few days to process, before doing or saying anything. You’ve had a shock and you need the time to work through it and take stock, but mostly to get your emotions under control so that when you DO speak to her, you’re coming from a place of love and not judgement or shock, or your own emotions overlaying your response. A cool and calm head in these situations can head off many a disastrous and defensive confrontation.
Aside from that, even if we’re not ready for these things, and they come uninvited, it’s always better to step up. Your goal is health, emotional containment, a degree of transparency, and dignity. Dignity for both of you. I don’t see a major problem with coming out with it and saying you came back early which is how you know – but decided o give her her privacy and yourself some time to think of how to handle it – rather than beat around the bush with vaguaries. Teenagers are artists at dissembling and you’d have to own up that you know at some stage anyway. Be honest and straightforward, pragmatic and calm, and discuss information and potential issues. The less agonized and embarrassed you are, and the more open and transparent, the more you strengthen the trust between you.
There are consequences and responsibilities that come with sexual activity, and a loss of privacy in terms of healthcare practitioners, but these are things which she’ll have to deal with. And I don’t see any problem with saying I understand these things may be uncomfortable for you to talk about, but these are practicalities to be considered which override any discomfort on either of your sides.
Your house rules etc are yours to consider and perhaps discuss with her.”

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Share This

Copy Link to Clipboard

Copy